i didn’t like that at all. that was short and shitty. so let me elaborate, not because you care, but because i probably need to for myself. feelings get hurt. thats just what happens. i love the spring season, but i fucking hate it. its so stressful for no fucking reason at all and that really bothers me. i could go on a rant about this whole rowing things but that would probably be 484932874 pages. so i won’t embark on that. but right now, things aren’t right. and i don’t know why. I’m a shitty person, yeah, i’ve already got that part figured out. i don’t mean to be. i got better when lydia passed away because i was motivated to be more like her. to be what she had left behind, which was a smart, beautiful soul. now.. things are just different. they aren’t sitting right. and when i say this i’m talking about my relationship. i don’t know what i want. i’m a pain in the ass and i feel shitty about it. i feel like a fucking 2 year old when things don’t go my way. the things we fight about are fucking stupid and i’m so tired of it. sometimes i can say that “yeah things aren’t fair” but whatever i should know that thats life. sometimes i feel like i care too much. sometimes i feel like we’re just not on the same page. sometimes a lot lately i feel like we just need time apart form one another. or maybe I’m just going through one of those phases that i went through at the end of the summer. i don’t know what it is.. but i want more. I’m not satisfied. but i don’t know if i just want more from myself or him. i honestly don’t even know if I’m just pulling this all out of my ass or if this is how I’m really feeling. someone asked me how i was the other day and my answer was “i don’t even know anymore”.. which is totally true.
“My sister told me a soul mate is not the person
who makes you the happiest, but the one who
makes you feel the most. Who conducts your heart
to bang the loudest. Who can drag you giggling
with forgiveness from the cellar they locked you in.
It has always been you.”—Sierra DeMulder, Love, Forgive Me (After Racher McKibbens)