One of the most difficult things is to be struggling with not just one, but a series of mental health issues, while trying to keep your job, your grades up, your family happy, and keeping your relationship healthy all at the same time. It’s honestly the easiest thing in the world, but only if I was fucking normal.
trust me when i say that stressed doesn’t even begin to describe my feelings over the last two weeks. I’m supposed to get a phone call this week to check in on my standing with an internship with this program that I got over the summer in portland Oregon. Along with that, its fucking finals week, and this is crunch time. Im really trying to raise my gpa real high and because I’m only taking 4 classes and the minimum amount of credits, that means that there is no room forever so these finals and the grades that I need are really going to make or break my gpa. believe it or not, along with that, its the holidays. and christmas is right around the corner, and with that is my dysfunctional as fuck family. i don’t even want to go home its that complicated. the fact that my parents are legally separated and they live on two different floors of the same house is really something else. thanksgiving was totally awful. i was alone most of the time really just being with myself. ON TOP OF THAT I’ve been relapsing into my self image issues over the last month and I’m really just trying to not worry about that because i totally don’t have time. ON TOP OF ALL OF THIS.. i’ve had a BULLSHIT concussion the last week and i have never had a 6 day long headache before. like honestly. six fucking days long. and these headaches sucked. SUCKED. AND WITH ALL OF THAT BELIEVE IT OR FUCKING NOT.. i have to try and not fuck up my relationship by being a stressed out bitchy piece of shit which i have already started to do. There are just so many things that are getting under my skin that i completely wish weren’t relevant and that i wish weren’t a problem, but unfortunately.. this is my life right now and i wish this wasn’t the case. i just need to get to january first. and as cliche as it all sounds i like the idea of a fresh start in my life. I think thats why everyone loves the idea of new years resolutions because it gives them a chance or a chance of sheer hope that they can start something new or change something about themselves for the better. this is all whether they actually stick or not. but around all of this I’m kind of excited for the new year. new semester, new classes, its almost like a restart button in a weird way. and excuse to do something different and try to be committed to it.
well, now that my rant is over. i really need to stop procrastinating and get to whats stressing me out, but starting with my classes and preparing for my finals and starting to study. awesome. thanks guys. you’re the best.
Everything is different now and when I say different I mean different for the better. I’m so in love. I got so lucky with this boy and I wouldn’t fade him for anything. Everything with him is so perfect. I’ve never been so happy. Is has been the bet seven months of my life and I am so excited for the many months to come. When I’m with him I invasion a white dress. Laughter. Friends. Love. Family. A future. A happy life. I can see that wi him and this is something that I never knew I was capable doing at such a young age especially with everything that has happened to me in the last 5 years. My advice to those going through struggle? It really does get better. All you have to wait and e greatest things in life when you least expect it or when you are not looking at all.
Tell me I’m important to you. That you need me to be with you. That I should stay by your side. Tell me that I’m worth holding on to. How all the fights are worth it. How all the tears you shed are for me. Tell me you need me so that I don’t leave. Tell me straight up that you want to stay. Tell me so I won’t walk away.